Choosing to Get a Divorce – How to Know You Are Making the Right Decision

Divorce. It has the finality of a decision made by any couple. This powerful decision can turn your world upside down and eventually take its toll on your kids. If you are thinking of getting it right now, think again, and think really hard.

I am physically separated from my husband. Do I want a divorce? Yes. But since there is no term for this in my country, since I am living in the Philippines, I have always dreamed of dissolving my marriage ever since the break-up. Why am I writing this? Is this some kind of a write-up that will encourage many others who are suffocated in their marriage? No. This article is meant to be an eye opener because I have counted years before finally giving up.

Since I am a Filipina, the best term for divorce here in my country is annulment. You will have to wait years to finally have it approved. The process is very lengthy because the Philippine family code aims to preserve marriages for the sake of our country’s reputation of being a predominantly Catholic nation.

What lead me to make this decision? Many factors. How long did it take for me to finally consider this? 3 long years. I was married for 6 years and had a messed up life since day one. Discovering about his alcoholism and tendency to be physically violent when drunk didn’t make me quit. His addiction to gambling and his habit of just partying all night with his friends didn’t make me quit loving him too. The very fact that his traditional Chinese upbringing (his usual and only reason) made me believe that he knows nothing but to behave that way. Even though I have Chinese blood too and knew that not every man in China was raised up according to what he was ‘claiming’ to be a common sight in their country, acceptance of his culture became a struggle I had to face with.

Was I a good wife? I was a faithful wife. I can never claim to be a good and even a responsible wife because no matter how hard I try, I had this uncontrollable rage – a fire that seems to grow every time my ex does something horribly offensive. I fight back. If there is one single thing that is good in me as a wife, it is that I ask for forgiveness for each error I made. How about him, did he ever do the same? Never.

If I was able to accept his culture, then what went wrong? Loneliness. Self-pity. Wanting to improve myself. Those were the most important factors to consider. I was lonely because his idea of spending quality time with me and our child was watching television for 3-hours inside the house while I watched a different program in our room. Before buying a car, he promised to spend time with us every Sunday afternoons, but all he did was to drop us to the mall and then, off with his friends, or to every woman he desires to be with. What’s worse is that he arrives home at 2 or 3 am, tired from gambling at the Casino and partying with his women. who wouldn’t feel self-pity with that kind of husband? Who wouldn’t want to improve the quality of life that you have with this kind of set-up?

One thing that made me last for six years was that there was still no concrete proof of his unfaithfulness. When it came, it hit me BIG TIME. He hooked up with my friends’ daughter. When my friends found out about it, they wanted to have my ex physically battered but they still respected our friendship and opted to inform me. It was I who just couldn’t take the whole mess and strangled their poor wretched adulterous daughter. Not that I smashed her into pieces or anything of that sort…I just pulled her hair really hard in front of her daddy. That was something that most wives would do. Some can even do worse than what I did. My anger was too insatiable at that time. But then, I have had enough. To be quite honest, if my ex hooked up with a total stranger, I could have forgiven him easily, because I wanted to prove him that I was going straight with being the ‘wife’ that will fit his so-called ‘Chinese’ standards. In all fairness, I was able to ‘fit those standards’ for 4 months. But him? He wont last a month ‘fitting in’ to my standards.

You see, in every aspect of my whole marriage life, compromise wasn’t a choice that both of us made. For both parts, the compromise was done by me. If there isn’t any marriage to preserve, then stop playing a masquerade. God will understand your situation and there are biblical basis for the dissolution of marriages, whether you call it divorce, annulment, legal separation or whatever other legal terms. The point is, if you are pulling each other down, there is no marriage at all.

Love is never enough. There is still love left in my heart for my ex, I know it because I still feel very hurt. The less pain I feel, the less love exists too. Did he ask for another chance? Not exactly. What he asked for was for us to see that there was nothing wrong with what he did because he denied the accusations, even after being caught red-handed.

If you are in a messed up marriage, don’t give up. You might be able to patch things up. But if your case is similar to mine, something that has gone way too off the hook, then it is time to give up. Freedom is a choice you can make. Don’t be in such a rush to be physically separated from your spouse. I have been through the many dark nights, and now, I have chosen to save whatever dignity I have left, for my son – the one single person who needs me the most.

Dignity preservation is my goal for getting a divorce. My goal might be far-fetched from now, but I will endure and persevere, just like what I did before. Assess yourself first and talk to those who know your situation best. Unfaithfulness, in any form, must never be tolerated. Preserve your dignity before it’s too late for you to pick yourself up. You have every right to be THE PERSON YOU HAVE ALWAYS ENVISIONED TO BE. Life is precious and we only live once, so be true to your heart. If other people judge you for your decision, they are the losers, not you. Don’t let other people, not even family members who will tell you to just ‘live through the pain’ rule over your decision. It is you who is directly affected. They are just outsiders, having a peep into your life. They might understand 50% of the situation, but will never do it fully.

A family is still a family even without a husband, or a wife. A family is being with people who are real to you and will never hide secrets from you. A family will not destroy you, but will lift you up. Those are the most important reasons why we want a family, to have a productive life, with your values preserved. Have that kind of family with or without your spouse. Live a joyful life free from bondage, you deserve it as much as I do.

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Top 10 Reasons To Avoid Gambling

10. The cause of indolence

Gambling affects your life negatively. If you are a regular, you might have missed your work occasionally because of a late night games at the casino. On the other hand, if in case, after a major loss you make an attempt to work you won’t be able to concentrate for your mind will be preoccupied with the depressing thoughts from the loss. Many of the gamblers depend on the “luck factor” and start day dreaming ultimately losing interest in their job.

9. Results in depression and anxiety

Gambling addiction can be the reason of anxiety, depression and a host of other mental problems. The pressure of gambling addiction can generate terrific emotional pain which can only get worse over time. If you are a gambler and you feel anxious or depressed, it is suggested that you seek help right away. Gambling addiction has the highest number of suicide rates. Individuals are overwhelmed by this obsession and become despondent and hopeless, believing suicide is the only way out of the pain.

8. Deteriorates your physical health

If you have been gambling on a regular basis your physical health is at stake. People who gamble impulsively start neglecting their health. Additionally, the stress of the gambling obsession can even cause stress on your heart, particularly after shocking monetary losses. The emotional fall can in fact have an effect on your physical body in negative ways. A sheer game of luck, it will only cause you pain and nothing else. Is it not one of the big reasons to avoid gambling?

7. Makes you selfish, moody and rude

I have witnessed a lot of individuals who underwent a moral transformation to the worse after they got into gambling. The habit destroys the person ethically and makes him moody and rude. The greediness keeps his mind engrossed in the imaginary money, ultimately making him selfish. Inveterate gamblers don’t think about other people. Their only aim of life is to finance their addiction and to win back their lost money.

6. Will make you lose your friends

You might be wondering how this habit of yours will make you lose friends. Well, if you are in a habit of gambling then it is more likely that if not today maybe later you’ll borrow money from them. Chances are you’ll not be able to pay them in time due to frequent losses. This will really cause strain in your relations. In addition, your addiction will make you ignore your friends as you will be preoccupied with gambling. You may then even miss social outings and some very important events.

5. Ruins your family

Gamblers are too tough to reform ultimately turning out to be a loser and having no family. Not a soul wants to be in this world with a gambler who is grumpy, unstable and squanders funds. So the outcome is the spouse filing a case of divorce or just leaving the partner. Many families have been torn apart by this disastrous obsession.

4. Induces crime

Fascination of gambling compels people to commit crimes to support their game. An impulsive gambler never leaves this addiction even when he is left with no money and instead takes on crime to finance his very basic need of gambling. Some people even turn towards domestic violence and torture their spouse on a daily basis.

3. Diverts you from your aim

When your life is all about gambling and just gambling, it then becomes your primary activity. All of your vigor, motivation, energy and inspiration are only gambling related and you tend to lose focus on the main aspects of your life. If you have any special talents or hobbies, it is most likely that these hobbies will not be given priority and you’ll choose to ignore them.

2. Puts on hold all your future goals and aspirations

When you are addicted to gambling, it is obvious to stop thinking about the future. A gambler always lives for the moment and desires only instant gratification to feel what is known as the “gamblers high”. It becomes very hard then to focus on any of the future prospects as they tend to live in a world of fantasy, placing bets and dreaming that big jackpot. Neglecting aspirations and all future goals is living a worthless life and therefore this is one of the prime reasons to avoid gambling.

1. A curse that destroys you financially

It doesn’t take a lot of time to dig up a huge financial hole if you have an impulsive gambling obsession. Gambling can take away hundreds or perhaps even thousands of dollars in no time and add up to your debts. I have seen that people take lots of years to clear the debt and in their endeavor they even become bankrupt, ultimately devastating financial as well as personal life. Money is the reason why we all live and therefore the biggest of all reasons to avoid gambling is to save money.

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Marriage and Gambling

Many young adults today seem to see marriage as being like a Steve Wynn casino. Too risky, too expensive, “meant for other kinds of people.” Why else would so many folks stand out on the fringes, just “living together” rather than joining forces in wedlock? Why else would so many fathers be absent from the lives of their sons and daughters? Face it: we have an epidemic of out-of-wedlock births and divorces promoting parents as singles.

What’s to be done about this? One small step might be to pass along information that might improve people’s odds of success at the betting tables. Give folks a sense that they know what their risks really are, what the likelihoods are that their bets on loving commitments may finally pay off, could help people to feel more confident about gambling on marriage in the first place.

Okay, let’s get the bad news out of the way first. But really, it’s not news. In any given year, one in six marriages fail. The risks of having your first marriage come to an end at any time before you do are often cited as being “fifty-fifty.” In short, there’s one chance in two that you’ll lose at marital love’s gaming tables. In short, half of all novice brides and grooms crap out at romantic roulette.

Apparently there are even worse odds for failures by failures. Two out of three second marriages die before the death of a partner. Three out of four third marriages fold, and so on.

The good news is fairly scant. All of these odds are calculated based on slippery statistics. Nobody can track large enough populations for a lifetime to determine these stats with any precision. So they’re developed by inference. The means by which folks do so is too arcane to discuss here. But there are a couple of hidden bright spots for you to consider.

For one thing, the marital failure rate has been declining for at least two decades. There seem to be several reasons for this. One reason isn’t all that reassuring: as living together has become an acceptable alternative lifestyle rather than the contractual commitments required by marriage, those who might be “high risk” candidates in effect “opt out” of any approach to the marital casinos. Better reasons also deserve consideration, among them the increasing tendency for those who still choose to marry to do so at a later age than in earlier periods. More maturity apparently fosters more discretion, and thus improves the odds of success. Also, the increasingly oppressive requirements for higher household incomes that only two earners can generate have apparently encouraged greater fidelity, or at least a reduced inclination to pay the price of divorce.

The second bright spot is hardly ever mentioned in discussions of these odds. But the fact that remarriage to ex-spouses occurs in anywhere from one divorce case in twenty to one in ten means that the real rate of first marriage failures for good and all time may actually be just 45%. So the odds of having your first marriage persist till you perish may actually now be better than even.

Feel better now?

So what does all of this mean for you? Well, if you’re already married, you probably already know better than any bookmaker what the odds are of your marriage surviving might be. Are you happily married? Do you think your spouse is, too? If you answered “yes” to both questions, the odds are better than average that your relationship will endure. If you answered “no” to either question, perhaps you’d best seek some marital counseling. As everyone now knows, the price of divorce in emotional and financial terms can be devastating.

And if you’re still single, I’d urge you not to take these daunting statistics as indicating that commitment is never going to be worth the risks. Ask any happily married couple to explain to you all of the benefits that their relationship brings them. You may be surprised and pleased at how many reasons they give you, and how long it takes to explain – once they get over giving each other a good natured ribbing about all of their complaints first.

Simply put, I think in the end the simple answer is that if you wish to have kids, and raise them in a stable, secure and loving environment, the best way to do that is within the bounds of a conventional marriage. If you’re still frightened by that prospect, and you’re over the age of thirty, it may say something about the person you’re thinking of marrying, and your subconscious fears about their ability to sustain a commitment.

Final rule: if you value continuity in marriage, keep away from wedding those three time losers. The odds of success with them are just too slim for a wager.

Yours truly: Mike “I only had one shirt to lose” Riley

A dozen years ago, I wrote a book on recovering from lost loves. Two years later, the publishing giant Random House issued a new version, titled How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days. Ever since then, this edition has stayed near the top of the sales rankings for books of its kind. Over one hundred thousand readers have used its counsel, in any of seven different language translations. Its persistent popularity led one Random House editor to call it “a minor classic.”

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